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KiloWatt Part III: Matches
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posted by: Aaron Stanton
date posted: 12:00 AM Sat Nov 27th, 2004
last revision: 12:00 AM Sat Nov 27th, 2004

Click to read.Editor's Note: This article is a sub-section of Part III of GF's coverage of the kiloWatt exercise and gaming device from PowerGrid Fitness.

To read the full article, click below:
Part I:     Introduction
Part II:    E3 Hands-on
Part III:   First Impressions
Part IV:   Final Review

The Matches:

Preparation for my upcoming KiloWatt review has been intense.  Not only have I been poked and prodded, measured and weighed, I've also been undergoing intense physical and mental warm-ups.  Months of physical training on the traditional Xbox controller, combined with at least thirty minutes of Zen meditation/sleeping, have left me fully prepared for the challenges I've set myself, the Matches, as it were.  I've prepared with my body and mind.  I know all of Rocky's moves from before and after his re-training with Apollo Creed in Rocky III.  I've memorized dozens of witty catch phrases from super heroes old and new alike.  Like an Olympian preparing to take on the world, to press my physical and mental limits, I am ready to go.  Let's get ready to rumble.  

Match 1: Arm Wrestling
Match-Up:  Aaron Stanton vs. Dustin Shepherd

DustinVS.AaronWeight: 200 lbs.
Height: 5' 7?
- Electrical Engineering Student
- Body Builder
- Crusher of game reviewers
Weight:  175 lbs.
Height:  5' 10?
- I/O Psyc. Student
- Game reviewer
- Romance Novel Hero
Bio:The son of a professional arm wrestler who once broke another man's arm during a televised national arm wrestling competition, this experienced contender comes to the playing field a seasoned veteran. Capable of leg-pressing nearly 1100 pounds, and bench-pressing almost 310, Dustin seems confident his chances of winning this competition are better than average.
Coming to the competition as the rated underdog, Aaron is far from inexperienced.  Once rated the best arm wrestler in his sixth grade class, this fighter later laid dominating claim to two-year consecutive titles during seventh and eighth grade thumb wrestling competitions.  The question is, how well can this admittedly out-of-practice challenger translate his wrestling skills onto the modern arm wrestling mat?
Pre-Match Interview:

GF! interviewer:  Aaron, does it concern you that your opponent can leg press over 1100 pounds?

++=Aprox. 1100 lbs.Hot Tub:
Aprox. 800 lbs.
306 lbs.
Ham Sandwich:
1/2 lbs.

Aaron:  Not at all.  Most people don't know this, but I've been known to throw a bit of weight around on the leg strength thingy myself. 

GF!:  The leg press? 

Aaron:  Whatever.  I can lift a lot of weight with these legs (). 

Match 1 Results: 

Aaron was defeated by Dustin in exactly .20 seconds.  Immediately after the match, however, the judge controlling the stopwatch called the results into question.  I pressed the start and stop button as fast as I could,? he said, but it was over so fast, I think maybe .20 seconds is just measuring the speed that I can press the button twice in a row.  I might have been too slow.?  Experts agree that the actual result of the match could be as little as half the published .20 seconds, with Aaron's actual defeat being achieved in less than .10 seconds.  It's possible we'll never know. 

Match 2:
Match-up:  Aaron Stanton VS. Honey Roasted Peanut

Honey Roasted PeanutWeight: 1.2 grams
Height: 0' 1/4?
- Peanut
- Food product
Bio:Very little relevant fighting history available.

Pre-Match Interview:

GF! Interviewer:  Are you worried about the fact that Aaron has you outweighed by a ratio of nearly 79,379 to 1? 

Roasted Peanut:  - no reply -


Uncertain of his ability to sustain the 7 calorie burn that the back of the peanut container suggested he'd need in order to beat an individual peanut, Aaron forfeited the match.  In an unprecedented tragedy, he then ate the other contender in the after-match confusion.  This is an outrage,? the Peanut's trainer and coach declared when he heard the news.  Mr. Stanton should be barred from ever competing in this league again.  We won't stand for this.?  When asked about how this affected the possibility of a re-match, the coach refused to give a clear answer, saying only, The likelihood of my fighter being in any condition to compete any time soon seems very unlikely.  But you never know,? he added.  Sometimes these peanuts have spirit.?

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